There was that moment, that minute of silence where I just stopped believing in myself. Arwen had been miserable all day, we know the possible reasons at this point in time; teeth? cold? bored? earache?
It was in that flicker of a second where my daughter had stopped screaming where I mentally said ‘fuck’.
As parents we know that 5% (or maybe more) of our time with our children is upsetting; We can’t know what happiness is unless we experience the opposite from time to time.
In that window between screeches today, where I was mentally beating myself, I felt that stinging sensation in my eyes and I knew I was going to burst into tears. I composed myself, carried Arwen up to a quiet place and distracted her with new things, at which point I silently sobbed behind a giant stuffed teddy bear.
I love my Arwen, I grew her with every bit of love and strength and I shared my own body to keep her from harm. I’ve been with her all day/everyday since she was born and nothing less. I’ve taught her to eat, stand, clap, say words and all those other brilliant and exciting milestones so far. I have bathed her, mopped her up when food was everywhere but the mouth, I took no trouble cleaning every dirty nappy.
Arwen cuddles me and kisses me and teaches me wonderful things, and vice-versa. She’s my daughter and I’m in love.
…so why do I feel like I’m failing?
In times like these where all hope flies out the window, I take the time to look at videos and photos of Arwen smiling and laughing. I read other mom difficulties to know I’m going through a natural thing. I also tell my fears to my friends and family because a boost of the ego really does get my confidence back.
Oooof! Parenting is hard!
With Love; Jessica Ruth x