When it feels like you’re failing…

There was that moment, that minute of silence where I just stopped believing in myself. Arwen had been miserable all day, we know the possible reasons at this point in time; teeth? cold? bored? earache?

It was in that flicker of a second where my daughter had stopped screaming where I mentally said ‘fuck’.

As parents we know that 5% (or maybe more) of our time with our children is upsetting; We can’t know what happiness is unless we experience the opposite from time to time.

In that window between screeches today, where I was mentally beating myself, I felt that stinging sensation in my eyes and I knew I was going to burst into tears. I composed myself, carried Arwen up to a quiet place and distracted her with new things, at which point I silently sobbed behind a giant stuffed teddy bear.

I love my Arwen, I grew her with every bit of love and strength and I shared my own body to keep her from harm. I’ve been with her all day/everyday since she was born and nothing less. I’ve taught her to eat, stand, clap, say words and all those other brilliant and exciting milestones so far. I have bathed her, mopped her up when food was everywhere but the mouth, I took no trouble cleaning every dirty nappy.

Arwen cuddles me and kisses me and teaches me wonderful things, and vice-versa. She’s my daughter and I’m in love.

so why do I feel like I’m failing?

In times like these where all hope flies out the window, I take the time to look at videos and photos of Arwen smiling and laughing. I read other mom difficulties to know I’m going through a natural thing. I also tell my fears to my friends and family because a boost of the ego really does get my confidence back.

Oooof! Parenting is hard!

With Love; Jessica Ruth x

One thought on “When it feels like you’re failing…

  1. Hanna Szarpak says:

    May be it will sound old fashioned. But I will say. When you have done all you should and have asked other people around you for help and you still are not certain that it is all right, then put your trust in God. Thoughts will become more clear and you will see the light. In this case, probably you have lost the balance and put too much attention to others while neglecting yourself. Observe it intrust and the answer will come.
    Sometimes we need to cry to reset things. Our soul or our body wants to tell us something, we do not see.

    Liked by 1 person

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