It creeps up on you! I never thought somewhere down the line – especially a YEAR on – could mothers still get postpartum depression.
I had heard all about the ‘baby blues’ and had read hundreds of articles, books, page clippings of what sorrow women typically go through after giving birth. I never understood, no one can unless they experience it themselves.
To tell the truth; I was RELIEVED when Arwen was born that I didn’t feel the slightest bit negative or pessimistic in any way. This first year of my daughters life has been complete bliss!
…until maybe last week when someone or something seemed to flick a switch and everything came tumbling down.
To put it simply;
Arwen wakes up – she cries
Arwen eats – she cries
Arwen gets picked up – she cries
Arwen gets put down – she cries
Arwen gets distracted with toys – she cries
Arwen goes to the park – she cries
Arwen pleads for things – she cries
I don’t know what do to. I feel like I’m failing constantly. I feel like I may as well give up because of how worthless I consider myself to be. Arwen is attached to me, she may as well be a conjoined twin on my hip. She screams when anyone including her own father tries to hold her. I have to be here constantly in front of her otherwise she will make herself ill by screaming and crying.
Have I gone to far? Have I let this spiral out of control? What excuse can I pin this on next? Is it Arwen’s teeth keeping her unhappy? Is growing as exhausting as parenting?
Not only have I failed my daughter in every possible way, I have failed everyone I did have; I’ve shouted at others because I’m tired and angry. I have made millions of excuses why I’ve had to bail on plans and days out because Arwen is just.not.happy.anymore.
These past few days have been the toughest and I’ve just had to bite my lip and smear on a ‘fake/trying to be positive/pleading myself not to cry’ face so I don’t depress my own daughter further.
So now I’ve come to an understanding where, once you give birth you are bound to a contract and at any time after that you are likely to get postpartum depression one way or another unless you are truly lucky.
Pray for the recovery of myself and the happiness of Arwen to come running back!
Jessica Ruth x