Postpartum Depression – The sudden hit.

It creeps up on you! I never thought somewhere down the line – especially a YEAR on – could mothers still get postpartum depression.

I had heard all about the ‘baby blues’ and had read hundreds of articles, books, page clippings of what sorrow women typically go through after giving birth. I never understood, no one can unless they experience it themselves.

To tell the truth; I was RELIEVED when Arwen was born that I didn’t feel the slightest bit negative or pessimistic in any way. This first year of my daughters life has been complete bliss!

…until maybe last week when someone or something seemed to flick a switch and everything came tumbling down.

To put it simply;

Arwen wakes up – she cries

Arwen eats – she cries

Arwen gets picked up – she cries

Arwen gets put down – she cries

Arwen gets distracted with toys – she cries

Arwen goes to the park – she cries

Arwen pleads for things – she cries

I don’t know what do to. I feel like I’m failing constantly. I feel like I may as well give up because of how worthless I consider myself to be. Arwen is attached to me, she may as well be a conjoined twin on my hip. She screams when anyone including her own father tries to hold her. I have to be here constantly in front of her otherwise she will make herself ill by screaming and crying.

Have I gone to far? Have I let this spiral out of control? What excuse can I pin this on next? Is it Arwen’s teeth keeping her unhappy? Is growing as exhausting as parenting?

Not only have I failed my daughter in every possible way, I have failed everyone I did have; I’ve shouted at others because I’m tired and angry. I have made millions of excuses why I’ve had to bail on plans and days out because Arwen is just.not.happy.anymore.

These past few days have been the toughest and I’ve just had to bite my lip and smear on a ‘fake/trying to be positive/pleading myself not to cry’ face so I don’t depress my own daughter further.

So now I’ve come to an understanding where, once you give birth you are bound to a contract and at any time after that you are likely to get postpartum depression one way or another unless you are truly lucky.

Pray for the recovery of myself and the happiness of Arwen to come running back!

Yours sadly;

Jessica Ruth x

2 thoughts on “Postpartum Depression – The sudden hit.

  1. tomorrowisanotherday2017 says:

    Oh my lovely- please don’t feel you are failing. You are not! You are a wonderful mum. I had PND too and honestly, like any mental illness I don’t believe you fully recover or get over it, but you do learn to live with it and move forwards. Please speak to someone about it- your partner, family and medical team. Help is there xx

    Liked by 1 person

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